Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Did I show you my penis last night?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Randomize
