i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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