I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Everything about him screamed your future.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
