My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
