I've blown a few things in my day
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Randomize
