Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
