she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
