We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
