shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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