dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
