we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
