I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
