My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
