FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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