so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
