mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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