I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
