life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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