I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I wear drunk well.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
