Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
