Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
