I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
