When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
