sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
