if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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