When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Randomize
