i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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