No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
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