Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
