I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
