i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I will be naked everywhere
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
