His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
