The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
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