a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
