When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
