He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
