Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
