my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
