Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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