The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Randomize
