Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
