i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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