at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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