Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
