my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
You are the jesus of drinking
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
