I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
