Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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