4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
