he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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