She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
